"It is almost as if a musician is trying to play a song on the piano, but someone else is holding their hand down on some of the keys. There is some space on the key board to create a musically satisfying tune, but not enough to create the beautiful symphony that he is capable of. The musician doesn't try to pick the hand up off the keys, because that man has won many of the same battles. He assumes he will win again, so what is the point. What the musician doesn't see is that he is the one who can create a symphony, and the hand holding it down is the one that is afraid to hear it."
I wrote this a year ago. I'm reading it now in fascination about my path and how I have increasingly found my power throughout this year. The power to remove the hand. To play the song of my heart without letting my mind hold me back.
That hand wins sometimes. I listen to the voices that say I can't and I fall into a trap where I believe it. But I'm stronger now. I truly am. Maybe I'll lose my grip here, I don't know. All I know is that I've graduated from worrying about what might go wrong or what will happen if I do this or don't do that or say this or don't or whatever. I had my worry graduation. Yesterday or today I don't know when it happened I just know that it did.
Today I celebrated. I created a day of laughing, dancing, loving, and of being present. I danced alone in my room with my windows open. I just don't care anymore. I just want to be free. I celebrated my graduation but also my life and just the joy of existence. It is a true joy and I am grateful. I am.
I feel a sense of calm that I hope I can hold on to. I realized today that I have been worrying needlessly (as worry always is), but God, it felt so good when I LET GO. I guess that's how I learn. I have to swim deep sometimes. I feel peace and joy now and I know what it is because I've been to the contrast. I've been crazy glued there and had to find some unknown strength in me to remove myself from it.
But I did. I was strong enough. I am strong enough. And I keep getting stronger, healthier, and braver. I know this is true. I refuse to accept any interfering thoughts that try to convince me otherwise. They don't deserve my attention anymore.
I am moving forward.
It's amazing how quick I fall away from the center. To the place in my mind where I'm unaware of my thoughts and how they are constantly creating my reality. To the place where I miss opportunities to be present.
It is as if I am disciplining a child:
"I know that this is what you want to do, what you want to eat, what you think you need to think and worry about. I know it's hard to understand that what I'm doing for you is loving you and caring for you. But it is. You're safe. So let go and trust me"
I keep having this conversation inside. I think it's between my soul self and human self. What my soul self is guiding me to do more strongly than ever over the past few days, is to notice my thoughts, and to say and write more positive affirmations.
This is the one that I keep saying today.
I am healthy. I am healed. I am whole. Yes.
Saying yes after always helps because I start to doubt that it's true but the yes makes it feel more powerful and raises my ability to believe it.
But beyond all words and thoughts, this IS my truth. I am the creator of my reality. If I affirm and believe I am healthy, then so it is. Anything I see or experience is just manifestations of past thoughts/actions and the healing path that brings my mind/body back into harmony with ME. The me that is beating my heart.
The true ME is already whole. Yes I am experiencing stomach problems and anxiety, but that's just an experience. That's just what I'm observing. As long as I stay in this positive place, the manifestation of what I see and experience will shift to being positive in ALL ways as well.
There are no limitations. Nope.
I am free, abundant, healthy, and beautiful. Yes. Yes I am.
After pondering more what I was thinking about and wrote yesterday, I realized that the center of duality is the heart, and what lies beyond that energy field. It IS in the center, of my perfectly symmetric body that is a pure teacher of how this life works. I thought about how my body shows me three dimensions, my right side, my left side, and my center.
It makes sense when I think about colors. On one side there is blue, on the other there is yellow. There is a place to mix the colors in the center, and now there is a new color- green. So those are three dimensions of how existence works, only the most important thing I realized during this epiphany was the emptiness in the center. The emptiness in the center is the infinite possibility of creation. Yes, in the space I can mix blue and yellow to make green. But I can create anything there. Anything. I was created FROM that infinite space. It is the center of the three dimensions, the life force energy that beats my heart. Therefore, if there is a life force power that is infinite beating my heart, than I must be infinite, too.
So now I see that there are four dimensions. My girlfriend Lori has talked about this before but I didn't quite get it until right now. The fourth dimension is this moment right now. What we are creating in that infinite space. Anything is possible, but there are laws of nature, for example, we know that blue and yellow make green. Blue and yellow make green as a response to the laws of nature. If we're not living in harmony with our spirit, than we will be unaware of the laws of nature. We know that black and gray will not create green. So to compare this metaphor to our life we can try to create with negative thought and positive action, and it just won't happen. We will never get the result we want. We will keep unconsciously mixing black and gray wishing for green without knowing why it's not happening.
This might sound confusing. But to me it is very clear. We are infinite. I am infinite. And as long as I trust my spirit, know my spirit, surrender to it, and follow it, I can't go wrong. Just as the sky and sun makes green, there is nature waiting to express itself through me. And it will happen. I will create what my life force intends to. This is what will bring me back home to my self, to what is beating my heart. Therefore, if I come home to the life force beating my heart, if I live inside of it, then I am one with it. And if I am one with infinity then everyone and everything is one to me. And that is reality. That is truth. It's just a matter of coming home, and it's a brave walk away from the reality that has been created here, in which not all has been in harmony with life force. That's why we are disconnected from oneness. But we all have a choice to go home. Yes.
Who am I? I am what is beating my heart. Therefore,
I am on a bridge between two worlds. The center of duality. Both worlds need to exist. The truth that I'm learning is that only one side is real, healthy, true, and free. The other side is based on complete addiction and a false reality, attachment, to foods, substances, thought patterns, habits. I kept entertaining it. No more, I agreed with myself this morning. I realized that by entertaining it i allow the false reality to be a pull rather than a push to the other side. To freedom, joy, happiness, gratitude, all which I think mean the same thing. Or at least live in the same home, or something. Right now, I'm promising my heart to go to that home. That it is safe there. Because it is my home. Always has been, always will be.
Everything came to life today. Only it has always been alive only me that has not. Me that has had my ears clogged and eyes shut.
This change is all about rising higher. Becoming healthier. Loving myself more. Of course there's parts of me that don't want it to happen. If those parts of me didn't exist I wouldn't have been living an unhealthy lifestyle for so long. But I know those parts now and I know it's time for them to go. And that I am safe without them.
Affirmations: I am safe. I am healthy. I love myself enough to make healthy choices. I am worthy of good health, vitality, and ultimate abundance.
Thank you God for my challenges, for the opportunity to keep learning and growing. Thank you for the calm after the storm. The light at the end of the tunnel. I can see it again now. Ah. So refreshing. Everything is temporary, I always forget that when I'm in the midst of a challenge. But it's okay. Because mistakes don't exist as long as I learn, and I love learning.
I know that I can't be the victim anymore to everything I'm going through. I think I was created to understand every possible emotion, to feel all of the pain in the world, to know how to heal it. I don't know but right now Im healing myself. I used to give into the pain and numb it because it's easier and quicker but I can't do that anymore. I have to help other people that feel like this.
What I'm going through is deep waves of anxiety and depression. It's different now than it was in the past because I know it's all part of a path. I have that awareness so I can see it as it is without becoming so victimized by it that I sleep all day, eat unhealthy, drink, or any other habits that drove me in a vicious circle. I'm out of it now. I'm committed to being out of it so it's hard because I can see it and feel it completely and it shakes my bones. It makes me feel like I'm falling apart which brings me so close to God because I know that I'm not. I'm not falling apart. I'm experiencing and gaining understanding and I'm growing, and I know that everything is going to be okay.
I know 100 percent if I was to see a psychiatrist right now (with strict medical inside the box beliefs) I'd probably be put meds. It's the truth. Not happening ever again. Never ever ever. I can do this, I keep telling myself. Yoga is my medicine. Meditation is my medicine. I just have to do it more. I have to go deeper. That's all. It'll all make sense when I get there.
Today, a big yellow butterfly landed right by my foot, at a perfect deep thoughtful moment. I always think about them in the context of transformation, from caterpillar to butterfly. But even when they get their wings, they still need to be persistent learners and growers. Butterflies don't actually even fly. They swim. The wind is too heavy for their fragile light wings so they learn to swim through it by making figure 8s with their wings. The wind is heavy and they swim through it, though. They just keep swimming with ease and grace. I'm trying to figure out if they swim as a part of the wind, or wherever they choose to navigate too even if the wind is blowing in the other direction. Maybe sometimes when they swim they just let go and surrender to the wind. Or maybe they do both at the same time, surrender while also still navigating in the direction they want to go. I don't know. I just know that I'm learning to swim and I will figure out that answer soon.
Whatever you're holding inside let it go. Keep shedding layers. I can almost see you. No more masks. Let's be real here Nicole. Be real. Be vulnerable. Keep getting more comfortable with discomfort in the interest of growth. I promise you will be free from all of this. You can decide to be free right now.
I think that the greatest gift I've ever given myself is self-love. And I'm definitely still working on it. At first it was unconscious, I didn't know I was making "self loving" choices in the past, because they were all positive choices that were hard to make. Choices that didn't seem positive at first. Like coming out, starting to meditate, and eating healthier. These choices all brought me to an awareness of what self love is which has in turn helped me to give it to myself consciously.
My love of self is not complete. I'm still working on it. I am so grateful that I now have the awareness and presence of God with me. Because right now self love is happening in new ways and I don't even know how to explain it because it's blurry. And it's hard, and painful. I'm letting go of something and I don't even know what it is. I just know that I'm committed to making self loving choices and there isn't another option. There's no turning back. It's a difficult path. But it's uphill. I'll see the light again soon.
Sometimes I realize how fragile I am. I get offended easily and I get mad at both the world and myself. I've been catching myself a little better recently. When it comes to pity parties, I know how to get down. But I also know how to get out. I do, sometimes I choose not to though. Weird, right? The party isn't fun. Not for me or anyone else. And life is a fun party, so why do I choose to leave it and go to a not so fun party?
I'm still trying to figure out my mind. The way it works. The caves it buries me in and where the lights are. I go blind in there and the switches to the light back to the truth are tricky to find. But I always find them eventually. It has taken me a lot of practice and I still need more.
That being said, it is yoga time! Intention set: loving myself more and letting go of any other external needs or desires.
Love is all I need. And it is infinite and everywhere. Therefore, I am blessed. I truly am. THAT is the truth.
My internal world is shifting for the better and it's keeping me awake and alive while exhausting me at the same time. I don't even know how to explain it. I just know that I'm growing and that it's all good. It's all good.
I feel excited about life and like my worries are silly. My mind feels spacey and weird. My heart feels open and my body feels tired. I feel like a caterpillar inside of a cocoon, which explains the spiral of feeling both restful and restless. I thought recently that if I were to be a butterfly, I'd be blue. Then I saw one today, staying still for me. I snapped a photo and watched it fly away with freedom and thought soon I'll be there too. Sometimes I am. As if my cocoon has holes and sometimes I can see it. But I'm in here now and I'm enjoying the process. I'm transforming in here. Everyday.
If you were to be a butterfly what color would you be ?
In the movie I watched last night, What The Bleep Do We Know, a repeated subject was about how we create our own realities with our thoughts. This is something I've learned before from the secret and from my own life experiences, however I loved learning from the point of view of scientist and physicist that are super knowledgable and aware of quantum physics.
One of the physicist said that in the morning before he starts his day, he creates how he wants his day to go with his thoughts, and asks for signs that cannot be doubted to inform him that God is behind it all. "Make the sign so clear, that I cannot doubt it," he demands to the universe every morning. I love it.
I tried it this morning. I asked the universe for an awesome day, for surprises and to know that God is present. The sequence of events was weird but however it made me laugh and feel lots of joy knowing that God was indeed there. Again, the story of my day is so weird but I'm going to tell it anyway.
The three year old I take care of loves bugs, so today I decided to take him to a bug museum. I seriously hate bugs but it made him so happy that I was so happy too. I even pet a tarantula. And a cockroach. Ew! But he thought it was the COOLEST so I was so happy. I never thought I'd feel so happy in the presence of so many bugs.
There are three synchronicities that led me to believe that God was present, or at least what I mean is believe more than I always do. Before saying out loud that I wanted to take max to the bug museum (I had already decided in my head) he came over and handed me a movie called Antz and asked if he could watch it. When we got to the bug museum, a camp bus pulled up with the name "Loori" on the side (my girlfriends name) along with the number 96. If you read blog post number one, you know the story behind the number 96, the reason for this blog. In addition to the number 96 being a symbol of God for me, the name Lori only multiplied it times ten! I think I said WOA out loud. Yes. I definitely did.
The last thing was that I came home to lots of ants on the floor of the kitchen. I told you that this story was weird. But it's in the synchronities that God speaks. And God has a sense of humor. Although I will probably fall asleep feeling like bugs are all over me. I had the best day. I really did. Max was happy. God was there. Always is and always was. If God appears in ironic, humorous, or unexpected ways, that's when it's easier to believe.
If you're reading this, I want to suggest for you to ask for a sign tomorrow. Ask for a specific undoubtable sign from God, the universe, or whatever you want to call it. Just watch the magic of life happen. It is always happening.
Affirmation: I keep my eyes, heart, and mind opening to the magic and abundance of life. I notice it and receive it with gratitude.
I keep thinking about the fact that I'm breathing and wondering what that actually means. When I was 4 I was taken to the hospital because I couldn't breathe, which is when it was discovered that I had asthma. I don't remember much about my childhood but I remember that. I remember being on a machine to help me breathe everyday for a year or more. I don't remember how long. I just know that the trauma still exists in my body, of this fear of losing my breath, which I guess at its core is really a fear of dying.
But I could never die. I've learned this now and I'm still trusting that part of me that exist externally so sometimes I still live in fear. I just finished watching a movie called What The Bleep Do We Know, and my favorite part was a metaphor that explained the fact that God cannot be explained. That explaining God is like asking a fish to explain the water they swim in. And I instantly thought that the breath is what we swim in together, and that the unity that we coexist in is God.
Maybe that's why losing our breath is so scary, or imagining the fact that we will take a last one one day. Because we don't know what it really is. That it is who we are, that it is our eternal home, and when it leaves us we go with it. Therefore there's never anything to fear because everything could ever need in this world is inside of us, and it will exist beyond what we know here in this current physical life.
When I was four I lost my breath and now 22 years later I'm learning what it means to find it. To become conscious and aware of it. To know it. To feel eternally safe in building a trusting relationship with it. It will never leave ME it can only ever leave my body. But I AM my breath. Not my body. I am a being inside my body using the machinery of body to navigate a purpose on earth. And the breath always leaves the body when it's time to. All I need to do is surrender and to my breath, to God, and let it take me on this journey. In this lifetime and whatever exist after.
Someone told me that there are pieces in this universe to fall in love with so that spaces within me will open, like windows and doors. That there are people I need to let inside. I think this is true. But I think the most important piece is me. I think if I fall in love with myself then I will open up so wide that the whole universe can fit inside. I wrote the above paragraph exactly one week before I met Lori. And not only do I love myself and her but I truly feel like all of the pieces are coming together. That I'm opening. More space exist inside my heart. That's all I could really ask for, I just want my heart to be open. It is. I can feel it. Right now it is, anyway.
My "mango island" this week was a bit challenging for me, emotionally mostly, but I'm happy I kept going forward. Now I'm eating a variety of fruits, such as cherries, grapes, watermelon, and bananas.
My connection to the planet is deepening. I feel so connected to nature and all of its gifts and I've been feeling so overwhelmed that I am lucky enough to be a part of it. I can't believe there was ever a day that I questioned wanting to be alive. Because that day did indeed exist.
Four years ago yesterday I came out to my parents. I told them in a letter that I don't want to be gay but the only other option is to kill myself. I told them I can't and won't do that. I wanted to though. I couldn't imagine loving life or wanting to be a part of it, or feeling like I belong. But I do now. The unimaginable happens. It did so I know that it does and that it will again.
I'm learning that the unimaginable happens when I'm at the peak of pain but I keep going a little further. Something in me says to stop or to go backwards or to find an easy way out. But then something else in me says to keep moving forward. So much of my growth happens there. And sometimes I gave up and repeated the same patterns over and over but lately I feel like I'm climbing a mountain. I feel like I keep going up and like I'm going to be on top of the world.
Right now I'm climbing but I feel so supported. I can feel myself healing. I can feel myself growing. And maybe I'll walk through a dark cave again I don't know. But I know that I will get to the top. I know it.
I promised myself two things along these 96 days. One being that I'd stay true to myself, the other being that I would write everyday. Right now I don't feel like writing. I think writing these 4 sentences honors my commitment, so I'm going to leave it at that. :)
Today was a struggle. I feel like I gave up a lot of addictions over the past two years and now I'm totally giving up everything besides raw fruits, veggies, seeds, and nuts. Therefore many wild cravings, emotions, and physical sensations are arising. I keep crying because I feel like I should be so grateful to have the opportunity to eat such an abundance of healthy food and I feel bad that I'm having trouble experiencing gratitude. I just want everything else besides what I'm eating and I just want to give up. But I know that I need to keep going. I can hear the whispers in my heart that I'll get there. My trust is completely in God that I will.
Affirmation: I surrender and trust in God that my health is completely taken care of.
When we first come into the world we are in touch with our soul so we know we have a right to be here. We feel worthy to exist. Our breath and heart beat are enough confirmation. We just allow adults to take care of us without any guilt or fear. We receive naturally. We trust. But we lose that. We all do. And I'm really wondering why. I'm stuck on that question. Sometimes the answer I find makes sense and sometimes it doesn't.
As a child I stepped away from who I really am inside, I walked across a bridge to a false identity and reality of myself and the world, and explored here, unconsciously for about 22 years or so. I say 22 because that's when I started engaging in self study, in little increments which brought me to where I am now, a committed meditator, a seeker of truth, constantly at practice to better myself and grow.
One day I woke up and wanted to explore the other world, but there was a lot that I grew comfortable and familiar with that I had to let go of on the false reality side. At first it was the denial of my sexuality, then it was my anxiety and depression, then my addiction to alcohol, then my addiction to unhealthy foods, and all of this lingers and fits into a box that I call worthiness. I'm still working on it.
As a child it is natural for us to act on our desires and needs, and to ask or cry out when we need assistance. We suppress all of that when we start caring about our self-image, which is happening earlier in today's world than in the past. We start caring more about what others see in us rather than existing as we naturally are. We start putting on mask after mask until the true reality gets so lost underneath.
Why do we start doing that? Why do we start caring about self image anyway? Where does that come from and why does it exist?
I'm thinking that it's just the process of the human journey. The joy of making discoveries and reconnecting with our truth/soul over and over as we remove masks. The gift of being aware of who we are, the ability to feel empowered when we live our authentic truth. Something we wouldn't feel had we not known a less truthful reality.
I still have a lot of why questions. I feel like I'm always on the bridge between the false and true reality. I guess because I am learning right now. And I'm open to it, I allow it. But it's hard and confusing to be twisted between the two worlds. I know that life works in contrast and I need to know sadness to appreciate and understand happiness but I guess my question right now is why? Why not just always be happy? Why not always feel worthy to exist? Why not be born that way and die that way? Why not always know freedom?
There is a rhythm that I am in and out of sync with. With a diet change comes a life style change, and I'm experiencing nervousness in how this will all work out. People thought it was extreme when I became a vegetarian, now I'm shifting into something that might actually be extreme.
But I think the scariest part of this diet is that it is so different and often unheard of. It makes me a minority, in an additional way than I already am. And I'm just in this same place again, worrying about what other people will think or say. I'm worrying about other people worrying about me. It's a gift that I'm aware of it, so that I can use this as an opportunity to grow. To become more courageous. To own who I am, to be who I am, and ignore the silly thoughts in my head about what others think.
I'm being guided here to change my life in healthy ways. It's not between me and anyone else besides God. I'll find the rhythm when I remember this more often.
I'm excited to start this seemingly extreme, yet also divinely guided journey of healing. I know this is the path and it only feels "too out there" because I have been living completely backwards from this diet. I am going on a 4 day mango mono meal cleanse. I have 77 mangos and Im ready to go.
I'll post the results if you're interested in how this helps me and benefits me. After the 4 days I plan to incorporate more foods and start living by the 80-10-10 diet by including more of a variety of fruits and veggies. The diet suggest in the beginning to pick one fruit that you love, so that the digestion system only has one thing to focus on. My choice is mango.
I have been doing so much research and have learned that so many illnesses have been healed with a raw vegan diet. The cure story topics include cancer, depression, anxiety, hyperglycemia, lymes, chrons disease, IBS, and so much more. I trust this completely. It makes total sense even though it seems absurd. But when I ask myself new questions, it seems absurd that I haven't been asking myself them earlier. Such as why do I put ingredients in my body, such as chemicals, preservatives, additives, when I have no idea how they are impacting my health? How ARE they impacting my health? What exist inside of my body right now and does it have anything to do with my mental, physical, and spiritual health?
The answer to the first part of the last question is I have no idea, and the answer to the second part is absolutely. There is one lesson that overpowers many lessons I've learned this year which is that the easy way is never the solution, when I'm looking to transform my life that is. Transformation calls for hard work which means pushing myself past my limits, past the preconceived idea or what's right or wrong, healthy or not healthy.
I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that I don't think eating over 70 mangos, and only mangos, for 4 days isn't somewhat crazy. But I also know that the people with seemingly crazy ideas are the ones that end up changing the world. I also know that doctors have not helped and that healing with anything other than nature has not helped me in any long term positive way. I also know that there are people that have been in this same boat, and took a chance on this diet and saved themselves. So that's what I'm doing. I'm taking a chance. And I have total faith. I truly do.
Affirmation: I am always supported and protected by God.
All of the scattered puzzle pieces of my life are starting to come together. The path is becoming more clear. And I am starting to trust more in the way I'm being guided along the way. I feel so much closer to God. I feel so supported by this light and it's helping me stay strong. It's helping me stay true to myself. I don't really know how else to explain it other than I am endlessly grateful and happy.
I truly feel that this diet change was the tide that I've been fighting. The idea of being a raw vegan keeps dawning on me, I keep meeting new people that are raw vegans, and I cry when I see how they have healed their lives with a diet consisting of mainly raw fruits and vegetables (and the rest nuts and seeds).
I know that it sounds bizarre. To only eat fruits and vegetables. That's why I've been fighting it and trying to build my own diet that makes logical sense. But what I realize now is that my diet has never made logical sense. How can I not rely on raw fruits and veggies, the foods with the most life, vibrancy, minerals, and vitamins, to be the answer to my health concerns?
The diet I am going to follow is called 80-10-10 which was built by a doctor named Douglas Graham. The idea is that you eat a low fat, high carb diet consisting of 80 percent carbs (fruits and veggies) 10 percent fat and 10 percent protein. I've tried this before and failed because I wasn't eating enough calories. I have to be eating at least 2000 calories a day, which means the main source of my meals will consist of fruit.
I am not doing this diet to lose weight. Actually, people have gained weight from this diet, which I am hoping to. I really just want to feel healthy, as well as these 5 additional reasons:
1- to heal my stomach conditions that have existed almost my whole life
2- to improve my energy levels
3- to improve my concentration and clarity
4- to take care of the planet and myself at the same time
5- to live my life as raw and authentic as possible.
Number 5 is a big one. This blog is all about me living an authentic life, being courageous enough to be ME. The real me. The light inside of me that wishes to express and expand. This light needs an authentic home to live in, a home free of foods that have been processed or induced with chemicals.
None of my foods will be cooked. Everything will be alive and completely raw. The idea of eating so much fruit scares a lot of people due to the amount of sugar I'll be eating but there are many people living this way of life whose health levels are beyond average in all ways. It is scientifically proven and safe for me to experiment to see how it goes, so I'm going to go for it. I know I'll be discouraged by my own doubts and the influences of the world around me, but there is something holding me here. Something that I've felt before but it's much stronger now than before. Faith. That's it.
Affirmation: I have total faith that I am being guided and protected on this healing journey.
Yesterday was a transformational day. I had to skip writing. I guess that will happen sometimes. I spent the day with my girlfriend exploring and researching how to take control of our health and we decided to make a commitment to being raw vegans. I've tried this before and I didn't get far because the world thought I was crazy and I wasn't strong enough to disagree. To stay true to my own agreements to myself.
I know to believe in something every time I cry. Something resonates with me and then my soul awakens and tears flow out of my eyes. It happens when I'm with children. When I'm practicing yoga. And now my new awakening is that it is within my soul purpose to eat raw and complete authentic raw foods, and to help others heal with food as well. It has been a consistent passion for me to help families with young children figure out healthy diets and I feel so overwhelmed with joy and gratitude knowing that I can be that person.
But right now I am healing my life. My body. I am becoming more and more conscious everyday of what I consume, on all levels- physical, mental, and spiritual. I've been walking up and down mountains and experiencing every high and low to get me to right here. To where I am right now. To this understanding. To this passion.
And I know I won't stop traveling through until I'm living in full harmony on all levels. Mind, body, and spirit. I am a truth seeker. And I'm realizing the truth is a treasure buried underneath heavy dirt. Heavy dirt being misunderstandings about how to live a complete, whole, fulfilled, happy life. But I'm digging. And sometimes things get so heavy that I want to stop but I know that's when I'm digging up something really heavy. That's when I'm getting closer.
I'm ready to dig out the heaviness. To embrace the truth that I'm seeking when I get there. I'm committed to staying strong. Because I know I deserve that treasure. I know I deserve a beautiful, healthy, happy life.
Thank you God for the strength to get there. Thank you thank you thank you.
Today my thoughts are circling around detaching from addiction. Right now addictions I'm letting go of are food, but today I also realize that I am 8 months sober. And it feels a little ignorant to say because I didn't need to go to an AA group or anything. But I quit drinking because I knew I was heading in that direction. Every time I tried to stop, I kept making excuses, and drinking even though I promised myself I wouldn't. One day it had to stop. The hiding. The escaping. I needed healthier ways to feel comfortable with myself. To distress after work. To enjoy life.
No more hungover Saturday's and Sunday's or finishing a full wine bottle to myself after work. That's not life. Not the one I want anyway.
Drinking was an addiction for me. I see addiction as anything that I can't have a little bit of without indulging, anything that I crave that I don't need or that doesn't benefit my physical, mental, and spiritual well being. Because when I ask myself, if I am going to eat or drink something, but I know I'll regret it after, than what voice is telling me that I want it? Why would the ME inside, the one that wants to feel good, and experience an energized, healthy life, tell me to consume anything that doesn't benefit my health and vitality? Anything that I agree to in a moment of weakness, even though a stronger part of me knows I'll regret it, that's addiction. In my opinion. And that was alcohol for me. Some people aren't sensitive to addiction like I am. Some people can do moderation. But that doesn't work for me. Not at all.
I want more and more and more. I drank until I threw up. I ate chocolate and sweets until I couldn't move off the couch. It doesn't make any sense to me now when I look back. It feels so good to live a healthy life, but I guess I wouldn't have known that if I didn't know the opposite way of living.
The concept of wanting more and more is a big one. More clothes, more books, more things. I have so much stuff that I don't use. Right now I just want life to be simple. Only the amount of clothes that I need, simple healthy meals, few yet meaningful friendships, my family, yoga, and my spirit. The more I connect to my spirit the more my life becomes both holistic and simple. The mind searches for outer abundance and is never satisfied, always seeking more, while the spirit is already abundant. It already is expansively infinite and filled with love and light.
Today I am focusing on the simplicity. Feeling grateful for life, for my beating heart, and for the gifts I am sent as I surrender. I am focusing on listening to the loving voice within that leads me on the path to health, vitality, and true abundance. I will slip and slide on this path. I know it. But I will keep going until I'm steady and stable. I know that day will come. I'm trusting that day will come.
Affirmations: I am healing. I am healthy. I am abundant. Life is simple and I am free. I am whole.
So here I am in California for the third time this year. Next time I'm here, will be a one way trip. I'm moving here on September 6th. Two days after my birthday, after my 96 days of courage. Also perfectly fitting that the date Im leaving is 9/6.
I've been experiencing a lot of confusion about the decision. I've been fighting the flow of life that is taking me there because I'm afraid. I'm scared. What if it doesn't work out? What if I can't find a job? What if I get hurt? What about my family and friends? Those are the fear thoughts.
Here are the love thoughts. Swim with the tide of change, don't resist the flow. Everything will work out perfectly. And I don't mean that there are going to be challenges or unexpected surprises. I mean every road that you take is going to get you to where your going. The bumpy and the smooth. But you must travel them. And there's really no destination. There's just learning and growing and loving. It's all about love really. Anything else that ever happens is just a chance to dig deeper. So keep loving. And keep digging. It's the only way to truly LIVE. Keep living. Because you deserve life, that's why you're breathing, you know.
I choose to listen to love. To my heart. And to follow the path that leads me to who dwells there. The bravest person I know. Quite a courage lesson she is teaching me. If it weren't for her courage, well, I wouldn't be here right now.
I'll explain a bit the sequence of events that brought us to the same place at the same time. Over a year ago, she started a conversation with a random guy on a line at subway. Typical of her. Brave of her. They became friends, and when he discovered she was a lesbian and liked country music, he connected her to a girl named Missy. Lori and Missy hung out, and ended up growing a great friendship together. I dated Missy in college, and we remained friends after.
Last September, as I explained in a prior post, I went to visit Missy, who took me to meet her friend Lori at a gay bar who I thought I'd never met. But I did. On a soul level. I knew it pretty quickly without intellectualizing it until after. I thought she was beautiful and interesting. My mindset was to be single though. I had surrendered all efforts to meet anyone or start anything. I thought we were all just hanging out, and that I had made a new friend or something. But if I allowed myself to think about it deeper in that moment, no way was she just a friend.
She knew it, she walked up to me, randomly that night, and asked if she could kiss me. I wasn't expecting it at all. My breath was taken away in all sorts of ways. I couldn't remember what I responded, but Lori told me I said "OK."
I then spent the next night with her as well, where we agreed that we'd like to see each other again. I walked away having no idea how it was going to happen, but hoping for it, for some possibility that Id see her again. And I did. She booked a flight to visit in November, and since then we've been going back and forth with airplanes and face times and letters. But right now she's right next to me. And I am so fortunate. So lucky. And so so happy. Thank you, God, for sending me someone so wonderful.
So here's my official notice, the truth that I've been so back and forth about, the flow that I've been fighting. Without question or doubt, I will be living here with you in September. I am certain. I love you!