Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Day 44- Breath

I keep thinking about the fact that I'm breathing and wondering what that actually means. When I was 4 I was taken to the hospital because I couldn't breathe, which is when it was discovered that I had asthma. I don't remember much about my childhood but I remember that. I remember being on a machine to help me breathe everyday for a year or more. I don't remember how long. I just know that the trauma still exists in my body, of this fear of losing my breath, which I guess at its core is really a fear of dying. 

But I could never die. I've learned this now and I'm still trusting that part of me that exist externally so sometimes I still live in fear. I just finished watching a movie called What The Bleep Do We Know, and my favorite part was a metaphor that explained the fact that God cannot be explained. That explaining God is like asking a fish to explain the water they swim in. And I instantly thought that the breath is what we swim in together, and that the unity that we coexist in is God. 

Maybe that's why losing our breath is so scary, or imagining the fact that we will take a last one one day. Because we don't know what it really is. That it is who we are, that it is our eternal home, and when it leaves us we go with it. Therefore there's never anything to fear because everything could ever need in this world is inside of us, and it will exist beyond what we know here in this current physical life. 

When I was four I lost my breath and now 22 years later I'm learning what it means to find it. To become conscious and aware of it. To know it. To feel eternally safe in building a trusting relationship with it. It will never leave ME it can only ever leave my body. But I AM my breath. Not my body. I am a being inside my body using the machinery of body to navigate a purpose on earth. And the breath always leaves the body when it's time to. All I need to do is surrender and to my breath, to God, and let it take me on this journey. In this lifetime and whatever exist after. 

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