Sunday, July 12, 2015

Day 42- Climbing

My "mango island" this week was a bit challenging for me, emotionally mostly, but I'm happy I kept going forward. Now I'm eating a variety of fruits, such as cherries, grapes, watermelon, and bananas. 

My connection to the planet is deepening. I feel so connected to nature and all of its gifts and I've been feeling so overwhelmed that I am lucky enough to be a part of it. I can't believe there was ever a day that I questioned wanting to be alive. Because that day did indeed exist. 

Four years ago yesterday I came out to my parents. I told them in a letter that I don't want to be gay but the only other option is to kill myself. I told them I can't and won't do that. I wanted to though. I couldn't imagine loving life or wanting to be a part of it, or feeling like I belong. But I do now. The unimaginable happens. It did so I know that it does and that it will again. 

I'm learning that the unimaginable happens when I'm at the peak of pain but I keep going a little further. Something in me says to stop or to go backwards or to find an easy way out. But then something else in me says to keep moving forward. So much of my growth happens there. And sometimes I gave up and repeated the same patterns over and over but lately I feel like I'm climbing a mountain. I feel like I keep going up and like I'm going to be on top of the world. 

Right now I'm climbing but I feel so supported. I can feel myself healing. I can feel myself growing. And maybe I'll walk through a dark cave again I don't know. But I know that I will get to the top. I know it. 

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