Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Day 38- Why

When we first come into the world we are in touch with our soul so we know we have a right to be here. We feel worthy to exist. Our breath and heart beat are enough confirmation. We just allow adults to take care of us without any guilt or fear. We receive naturally. We trust. But we lose that. We all do. And I'm really wondering why. I'm stuck on that question. Sometimes the answer I find makes sense and sometimes it doesn't. 

As a child I stepped away from who I really am inside, I walked across a bridge to a false identity and reality of myself and the world, and explored here, unconsciously for about 22 years or so. I say 22 because that's when I started engaging in self study, in little increments which brought me to where I am now, a committed meditator, a seeker of truth, constantly at practice to better myself and grow. 

One day I woke up and wanted to explore the other world, but there was a lot that I grew comfortable and familiar with that I had to let go of on the false reality side. At first it was the denial of my sexuality, then it was my anxiety and depression, then my addiction to alcohol, then my addiction to unhealthy foods, and all of this lingers and fits into a box that I call worthiness. I'm still working on it. 

As a child it is natural for us to act on our desires and needs, and to ask or cry out when we need assistance. We suppress all of that when we start caring about our self-image, which is happening earlier in today's world than in the past. We start caring more about what others see in us rather than existing as we naturally are. We start putting on mask after mask until the true reality gets so lost underneath. 

Why do we start doing that? Why do we start caring about self image anyway? Where does that come from and why does it exist? 

I'm thinking that it's just the process of the human journey. The joy of making discoveries and reconnecting with our truth/soul over and over as we remove masks. The gift of being aware of who we are, the ability to feel empowered when we live our authentic truth. Something we wouldn't feel had we not known a less truthful reality. 

I still have a lot of why questions. I feel like I'm always on the bridge between the false and true reality. I guess because I am learning right now. And I'm open to it, I allow it. But it's hard and confusing to be twisted between the two worlds. I know that life works in contrast and I need to know sadness to appreciate and understand happiness but I guess my question right now is why? Why not just always be happy? Why not always feel worthy to exist? Why not be born that way and die that way? Why not always know freedom? 

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