Thursday, July 2, 2015

Day 32- Addiction

Today my thoughts are circling around detaching from addiction. Right now addictions I'm letting go of are food, but today I also realize that I am 8 months sober. And it feels a little ignorant to say because I didn't need to go to an AA group or anything. But I quit drinking because I knew I was heading in that direction. Every time I tried to stop, I kept making excuses, and drinking even though I promised myself I wouldn't. One day it had to stop. The hiding. The escaping. I needed healthier ways to feel comfortable with myself. To distress after work. To enjoy life. 
No more hungover Saturday's and Sunday's or finishing a full wine bottle to myself after work. That's not life. Not the one I want anyway. 

Drinking was an addiction for me. I see addiction as anything that I can't have a little bit of without indulging, anything that I crave that I don't need or that doesn't benefit my physical, mental, and spiritual well being. Because when I ask myself, if I am going to eat or drink something, but I know I'll regret it after, than what voice is telling me that I want it? Why would the ME inside, the one that wants to feel good, and experience an energized, healthy life, tell me to consume anything that doesn't benefit my health and vitality? Anything that I agree to in a moment of weakness, even though a stronger part of me knows I'll regret it, that's addiction. In my opinion. And that was alcohol for me. Some people aren't sensitive to addiction like I am. Some people can do moderation. But that doesn't work for me. Not at all. 

I want more and more and more. I drank until I threw up. I ate chocolate and sweets until I couldn't move off the couch. It doesn't make any sense to me now when I look back. It feels so good to live a healthy life, but I guess I wouldn't have known that if I didn't know the opposite way of living. 

The concept of wanting more and more is a big one. More clothes, more books, more things. I have so much stuff that I don't use. Right now I just want life to be simple. Only the amount of clothes that I need, simple healthy meals, few yet meaningful friendships, my family, yoga, and my spirit. The more I connect to my spirit the more my life becomes both holistic and simple. The mind searches for outer abundance and is never satisfied, always seeking more, while the spirit is already abundant. It already is expansively infinite and filled with love and light. 

Today I am focusing on the simplicity. Feeling grateful for life, for my beating heart, and for the gifts I am sent as I surrender. I am focusing on listening to the loving voice within that leads me on the path to health, vitality, and true abundance. I will slip and slide on this path. I know it. But I will keep going until I'm steady and stable. I know that day will come. I'm trusting that day will come. 

Affirmations: I am healing. I am healthy. I am abundant. Life is simple and I am free. I am whole. 

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