Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Day 31- I'm Moving To California

So here I am in California for the third time this year. Next time I'm here, will be a one way trip. I'm moving here on September 6th. Two days after my birthday, after my 96 days of courage. Also perfectly fitting that the date Im leaving is 9/6. 

I've been experiencing a lot of confusion about the decision. I've been fighting the flow of life that is taking me there because I'm afraid. I'm scared. What if it doesn't work out? What if I can't find a job? What if I get hurt? What about my family and friends? Those are the fear thoughts. 

Here are the love thoughts. Swim with the tide of change, don't resist the flow. Everything will work out perfectly. And I don't mean that there are going to be challenges or unexpected surprises. I mean every road that you take is going to get you to where your going. The bumpy and the smooth. But you must travel them. And there's really no destination. There's just learning and growing and loving. It's all about love really. Anything else that ever happens is just a chance to dig deeper. So keep loving. And keep digging. It's the only way to truly LIVE. Keep living. Because you deserve life, that's why you're breathing, you know. 

I choose to listen to love. To my heart. And to follow the path that leads me to who dwells there. The bravest person I know. Quite a courage lesson she is teaching me. If it weren't for her courage, well, I wouldn't be here right now. 

I'll explain a bit the sequence of events that brought us to the same place at the same time. Over a year ago, she started a conversation with a random guy on a line at subway. Typical of her. Brave of her. They became friends, and when he discovered she was a lesbian and liked country music, he connected her to a girl named Missy. Lori and Missy hung out, and ended up growing a great friendship together. I dated Missy in college, and we remained friends after. 

Last September, as I explained in a prior post, I went to visit Missy, who took me to meet her friend Lori at a gay bar who I thought I'd never met. But I did. On a soul level. I knew it pretty quickly without intellectualizing it until after. I thought she was beautiful and interesting. My mindset was to be single though. I had surrendered all efforts to meet anyone or start anything. I thought we were all just hanging out, and that I had made a new friend or something. But if I allowed myself to think about it deeper in that moment, no way was she just a friend. 

She knew it, she walked up to me, randomly that night, and asked if she could kiss me. I wasn't expecting it at all. My breath was taken away in all sorts of ways. I couldn't remember what I responded, but Lori told me I said "OK." 

I then spent the next night with her as well, where we agreed that we'd like to see each other again. I walked away having no idea how it was going to happen, but hoping for it, for some possibility that Id see her again. And I did. She booked a flight to visit in November, and since then we've been going back and forth with airplanes and face times and letters. But right now she's right next to me. And I am so fortunate. So lucky. And so so happy. Thank you, God, for sending me someone so wonderful.  

So here's my official notice, the truth that I've been so back and forth about, the flow that I've been fighting. Without question or doubt, I will be living here with you in September. I am certain. I love you!

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