I just collapsed on the floor after work. I'm exhausted. I am literally just laying here. And I'm beating myself up. Mentally. "I should have done this. I shouldn't have done that. I should have said this. I shouldn't have said that." Why am I being so mean to myself?
I have no energy to do yoga right now. But I know that I need to. I'm having trouble shifting my focus. Sometimes it works to just take my negative thoughts and affirm the opposite. Affirmations I use often are: I am worthy, I am loved, I am whole, I am healing. But I can't get to that positive state when I'm stuck here. It just feels frustrating to try and affirm it while I'm stuck in a negative place. I need something stronger. I need a tool. Something powerful. I need movement and breath. I need yoga.
When I do yoga I imagine the energy in my body as a maze. And as I move I'm shifting around a ball, and I'm surrendering to wherever it needs to go. When it lands it explodes with light. It opens closed doors. It clears the pathways, and knocks the rocks out of the way in the places I'm stuck. The ball I'm talking about is me, by the way. The "I" that I talk about. The spirit inside of me that gets lost in the woods. In the forest of my subconscious.
The last time I looked at the clock it was 6:12. Now it's 6:59. Somewhere in between it started to rain outside. And also from my eyes onto my yoga mat. Not just a drizzle. A pour. God, it felt so good. To let go and release. After Savasana, I wrote in my affirmation book: I AM WORTHY, in giant letters, taking up a whole page. At the same moment that my pen was on the paper writing the words, a lightening bolt struck outside my window.
I AM WORTHY