As a person who works with kids, I need to be the one with the backbone. I need to be strong. But sometimes I'm not. I experience a lot of self pity. What a weird thing to admit. But I do. And I'm realizing that I haven't been learning from it correctly. Its a lesson for me that I fail often. I get lost in these habitual thought patterns where I think no one understands or cares. Or that the world is out to get me or something. But it's not. It's making me stronger. It's making me more compassionate, loving, kind, and patient with myself and others. It could be the opposite if I get stuck there. If I don't learn from it. If I don't let it teach me.
This past week I failed my lesson. But it's okay. Now I can catch myself next time. Not again, I'll tell myself. Grow here. Let this teach you. Let this open your heart.
I'm going to let self pity teach me. And whatever else exist in my darkness. And I'm going to admit it when I feel it. When I experience it. I'm going to say I'm sorry when I mess up because I didn't learn the lesson. I'm also going to be kind to myself and respect my emotions. But it's not productive to sit with them for too long. To take it out on other people. That's not what I want. That doesn't feel good. It feels good to be kind. To be loving. Patient, and compassionate. It feels good to vibrate and send out that energy. It feels good because that's who I am. That's who we all are. We just have to be willing to walk a difficult path to get there. To dig out heavy burdens. Whatever they may be. This is mine. Or one of them. But I'm willing to let go of it. I'm willing to fight for the well being of myself and others. It's the only fight that's worth it.