Saturday, June 20, 2015

Day 20 - In and Out Of My Shell

I've been thinking a lot about coming out of my shell. But sometimes we need it. Sometimes it's necessary. It gets lonely in there but we need to go in there to know who we are. We have to go inside before we go outside.

This is what Doree, my yoga teacher talked about today in class. Which was perfectly fitting for how philosophical I've been getting about a discussion I had last night with my college roommates about hermit crabs.

One of my college roommates, Emily, has a hermit crab named Eugene. She has had it for a year now, and it still hasn't switched shells. She has one ready for him to switch to, but he's not ready to come out yet. This is rare for a hermit crab, they usually change within months or so. But that's okay. Eugene can take his time.

It took me eight years to get out of one of my shells. The one where I was in denial about being gay. Being afraid to be who I am.

Then I came out. It was lonely and dark in there but I needed it. It made me who I am now. It's why I fit in my new shell. It molded me to fit it perfectly. Inside a shell that was ready to show me a new understanding.

What's different now is that I don't hide inside. Hermit crabs come out of their shells and go back in. But I wasn't one of these hermit crabs. I used my shell as a hiding place. And although it was unconscious, I did learn a lot, it did make me who I am, but right now the she'll I'm in is conscious.

I choose to go within. To understand, before I go out there. This is a journey of self discovery, of growth. And also a discovery of God, for me. It gets lonely in there but it's also where I learn that I'm never alone. I learned this from the outside world but now I'm learning it on the inside. God, my spirit, the very only light inside of my heart carries me in this world. But it's all inside. And in the outside world I loose this awareness, which is why I need to go back in.

But it's about balance. Sometimes I go in and stay in too long. Last night was the first time I socialized outside of family and my girlfriend for months. My new task now is finding balance between going inside and outside. This is for me, the people I love, and Eugene. I understand Eugene, I get it completely.

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