Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Day 16- Be Still

Something interesting just happened at work that I didn't know what to do with at first. Something that never happens. Out of the three boys that I take care of, one is sleeping, the other is at school, and the other is at his friends. Which leaves me alone to do nothing. Nothing. My days are filled with moving and playing and running and dancing. But right now I have an opportunity to be still, so I decided to come outside, sit down, shut my eyes, and meditate.

In the past I would find guilt here. I would think that I needed to do everything else. I needed to be watching something or eating something. Calling or texting someone. Researching or cleaning, or my minds favorite, just thinking and thinking and thinking.

Stop, I tell my mind now. Wait a minute. Or more than a minute. This is important too. This is more important. I am a human BEING. Not a human doer.

As I understand my being more, well, the to do list becomes much shorter. It turns out that the being part of me doesn't really benefit from that tv show or candy bar. It doesn't really need to search WEB MD to figure out how to get rid of whatever I self-diagnosed myself with that day. And usually, the phone calls and text messages could wait.

At first I was frustrated with the non-stop thoughts because they are like little kids that don't listen. I tell them to wait and they don't. To stop but they don't. So I had to make peace with them. And it's a constant practice for me but the peace grows. I had to learn to let them be and just watch. Just witness. I just recenter myself on my breath when I get lost on a thought train. The peace grows. It really does. I'm so grateful for this practice because it has kept me away from harmful remedies for my discomfort, such as meds, alcohol, and addictive foods. But most of all it helps me to be okay in the midst of the chaos. It helps me to discover my truth. To connect to God. To love more. To be myself. To be still.

Everything within myself that challenges my stillness is something else besides my being. Something that I need to clean off so that there is nothing again. Like a dirty dinner plate. Now I can fill it. But with something necessary. Something that benefits me and keeps me healthy.

And I'll get dirty again. Because I am indeed a human. And I'm a sponge. Someone complains about something silly and now I feel it too. The people I'm with are in a rush and now I am too. Someone is angry and in a bad mood and now my jaw is clenching. I feel the tension. I pick up energies and I lose myself but then I find myself again. I take another shower. But it's always worth it. Always.

I'm training myself to remember this as often as I can. This stillness. This silence. Perhaps allowing myself to be still and meditate is the most productive thing I could do. This way others get the best of me. And the best of me is different everyday. So I'm also teaching myself that whatever my best is that day, is enough. Even if it doesn't feel that way. It's okay. It's enough. It is. It is. It is. Yes. (My mind is trying to disagree here still, something else to work on, another place to grow).

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