Monday, June 1, 2015

Day 1- Say I Love You More

As I sit here trying to think of what to write on this special day, my moms 50th birthday, I can visualize my past teenage self almost walking out the door without giving my mom a hug goodbye. "Give your mom a hug" my dad would say, and "ugh, fine" I would respond, as I gave her a loose quick hug and quickly ran out the door. Somehow I remember it, and I know it's because in that moment, I felt guilty not to squeeze her and tell her I loved her, that day and everyday. I felt guilty because I knew that she deserved much, much more than a loose quick hug. Maybe I haven't forgiven myself for not giving her the love and appreciation she deserves in the past. I believe most moms deserve a lot more love and appreciation than they receive, if we are lucky enough to have a great one like mine. 

For some reason, I believe, it is the hardest to say "I love you" to the people that we love the most, for me, at least, and I think I now understand the reason. The misery that caused me to say "ugh fine" when giving my mom a hug, grew to be a comfortable place to live in, like a couch to be lazy on when my spirit just wanted to dance and play outside. It felt safe to dwell in this place around people that I knew loved me unconditionally, like my mom, because unconsciously, I knew that there was nothing I could do to cause her not to love me. I knew that I could be lazy and let the force of fear pull me in, rather than choosing to be vulnerable enough, courageous enough, to choose love. 

A picture of my mom and I 

In my teen years, as a lot of others may relate to in their teen years, I was living in fear, with only glimpses of love, but no where near taking the bridge of courage to get there. Love only hit me like splashes from the river below the bridge, or raindrops from the sky above it.  This was the most selfish stage of my life, but today I choose to forgive myself, because I didn't know where the bridge was. I was lost. But now I am free, or at least I am trying to be. I am not completely over the bridge, I am not living a life of love as much as I would like to be, but I know now that I can practice everyday. I can wake up everyday and choose to practice love and kindness, I can train myself more and more to let go of whatever holds me back from love. I can do my best. I will do my best. Now I know that I have the power in me to pull away from fear, I have the courage, to choose love. To march over the bridge and give my giving, caring, loving, beautiful mom the birthday hug and love she truly deserves. 

I love you, Mom, so so much. Thank you for everything. Happy Happy Happy, 50th Birthday, I hope you have the best day, and the best year, ever. You truly deserve it. For her birthday this year, my family and I wanted to send her away to the Bahamas with her best friend Cathy. It was so awesome that my sister posted it on her youtube which you can check out here-

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